I can understand completely someone's urge to disappear into the bliss of zanax and sleeping tablets but that's no way to live. When death comes to your door I suppose you don't want to live anymore with grief as a companion. Grief is what is ultimately left of love, it's the price we pay for love, but we never think about it until payment is demanded by the Grim Reaper. Love blinds us to the pain of that goodbye that will ultimately come without cause or reason. Saying goodbye never comes easy at all and I think I will wonder for the rest of my life, ask why for the rest of my life of God as to why we must suffer goodbyes when he died for our sins? Didn't he die for our pain, so we wouldn't suffer? But those are questions for another day, due to be answered by some people a lot smarter than me. For today, just for today I want to tell you about the hardest goodbye of my life, or more accurately, I want to tell you about the best heart I've ever met in my thirty three years in this world, friends and even foes, let me tell you about Molly.
First thing you need to know about me is I love Christmas, I adore the food, the music, the rituals that make your heart swell with joy. I love the feeling of hope and kindness that we're meant to carry through all year round, even if we don't, I love the hope that we try to. I love the music, especially children's choirs singing Christmas songs, the purity of it is akin to angels singing I think. When I see the Christmas lights, I think even though I'm not OK, I might someday be OK and that hope keeps me going. The dizziness of joy I feel by the love I'm lucky enough to have been granted is like the most intoxicating drug. I'll never know what I did to deserve such love by wonderfully unique family and friends but I thank whatever might be there everyday I have them and at Christmas time I'm bought to my knees with gratitude. At the heart of our home is Molly, a golden Labrador, she has kept our family together for fourteen wonderful years. She has the most beautiful brown chestnut brown eyes that you will fall head over heels in love with twenty times a day. Her soul is full of joy and brings a smile to the most tear ridden face. She's a pure lady, delicate and elegant, carrying herself through this cruel world with the grace of a dancer. She loves her food and makes me stop and appreciate the simple but wonder filled joy of a juicy pear or a good piece of ham. She knows how to enjoy life, curled up by the fire, toasting her little toeies. She taught be how to enjoy life, to greet each day with a cautious curiosity and wonder. To enjoy each moment and fill love and kindness in the simplest of acts. To not be consumed or bothered by useless things like hate or revenge, these thing had no place in Molly's life, I never saw once succumb to anger or something evil like hate, her heart, body, and soul was consumed by love and joyful moments hidden in this cruel world. She is so intelligent, both emotionally and worldly so, sensing pain and doing her upmost to make it better. She adores the beach, swimming into the ocean and welcoming the salty sea air into her lungs. Watching her gallop into the ocean is what I imagine Heaven looks like. A wide smile on her face reaching to the tip of her tail, her pink tongue hanging out, swaying with the joyful movement of her body dancing on the wind. When Molly was a puppy, she ate everything, and I mean everything. She loved chewing up our bras, and chewed the lead to our beloved PlayStation Two ending lazy weekend days playing games. She torn up magazines and the post forcing us to sellotape back together the post to see who wanted what from us. However, no matter what she torn apart we never could be angry at her, when she looked up at you with her baby face you simply melted. No, Molly aroused many an emotion in you but anger was never one. One thing you need to know about Molly was how fun she is. Fun. She sought fun in everyday life, finding the ordinary extraordinary. Such as chasing a butterfly or chewing a juicy bone, such a snores of a peaceful sleep of someone who adores bed and comfort, or the bark to announce visitors. Really I could write a million words for a thousand years and it still wouldn't capture the essence of the beauty of Molly both in her physical looks and her soul. Since I met her, I experienced what it was like to fall in love for the very first time and to this day, I remain, hopelessly and completely in love with Molly. It was lightly snowing. Of course it was. Why is it in any heart-breaking story it's always lightly snowing? And it's always, heartbreakingly Christmas, the most wonderful time of the year, the most truthful time of the year, the worst time of year to say goodbye. Molly's back legs went on Christmas Eve. She couldn't stand. We rang the vet desperate for help, the supplied tablets but told us to prepare for the worst. Molly was fourteen. Fourteen is no age to die. We settled into the worst Christmas of our lives. The food tasted foul. The music was in all the wrong notes. The lights were too bright blinding us. I don't know if I actually said goodbye, I don't think I knew how, I don't think any of us knew how to say goodbye. So instead we rubbed her and told her what a good girl she was. And she was good. The best of any us. She was panting and her brown chestnut eyes were full of pain. On St Stephen's Day we rang the vet and by God's grace he came to our home. When he came into our home, Molly despite her pain, barked to let us know. In her final earthly moments she was still protecting the family. He injected her into neck and her eyes drooped and her tail slowed down until she was as still as a rock. She was gone without cause or reason and the snow froze our broken hearts to stay that way forever. If I'm lucky enough to be granted the joy of seeing Heaven and Molly again, I will embrace her, and there will be no more sorrow, no grief or pain, and I'll be happy, it's Christmas, once again.
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